As COP-OUT28 Approaches, the World Unites in Breathless Anticipation

Bonus inside story! The world's people dispute the claim there’s a giant invisible methane spewing cow in outer space named Don.

Don, the giant methane spewing cow. You can’t see him, he’s invisible. I already told you that. Duh. But those at COP28 can see him. Read on!

This past weekend from September 15 to September 17 a coordinated, worldwide event took place with people uniting from 54 countries holding marches, rallies and demonstrations to halt fossil fuels. Millions across the globe participated on six of the seven continents, North and South America, Europe, Africa, Asia and Australia. Hundreds of cities saw tens of thousands of activists. It’s estimated New York City was host to as many as 75,000 people demanding what should be our inalienable human right, an inhabitable planet.

On September 11, Common Dreams reported that over 400 actions were to take place over the weekend. Momentum built and the number grew. By September 11, 780 organizations had endorsed the weekend of action, up 500 from just a week earlier. Before the weekend, The Guardian and Global Fight to End Fossil Fuels reported that 650 actions were planned in 60 countries.

These people don’t believe in Don, the invisible cow. Stupid liberals. Photo: AP / Bryan Woolston

The demonstrations took place on the eve of two important events. The march in New York City was a direct demonstration of support for UN Secretary General António Guterres’s increasingly dire warnings for nations to make ambitious commitments to phase out fossil fuels, before it’s too late, ahead of the United Nations Climate Ambition Summit. The demonstrations were also to make our voices heard at COP28, where The Biggies of Big Oil get together to save the world. It’s being held from November 30 to December 12 in Dubai, of the United Arab Emirates (UAE), led by Sultan Ahmed Al Jaber. Mr. Jaber is the also managing director and group CEO of the Abu Dhabi National Oil Company. Here’s a picture of one of their operations making the world a little greener CO₂ molecule, by CO₂ molecule. : )

This is the Abu Dhabi Ruwais petrochemical operation. After setting off there on foot to reduce my personal carbon footprint, I have been assured the trees in the foreground completely offset the emissions of the plant. To think I was concerned. Photo: Christopher Pike/ Reuters

However, rest assured will be no conflicts of interest, and unlike the past the twenty-seven COP conferences, real progress will be made in phasing out fossil fuels, and saving humanity, rather than greenwashing shenanigans and greasing the palms of greasy think tanks, because it says so on their website! Clearly, they mean it this time.

“We are at a halfway point. It has been 7 years since Paris, with 7 years to go to 2030, and we haven’t done jack shit.” (Slightly embellished, sorry).

“We must respond to the facts. We need to reduce emissions by 43% by 2030 and course correct on adaptation, finance, and loss and damage as long as it doesn’t interfere with our mega-yacht vacations.” (Dammit, I editorialized again, so unprofessional).

Wow. A 43% reduction in emissions by 2030. Sounds ambitious, but I am reassured, because the participants are so serious they promised to fly in on their private jets again just like last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that...never mind, the point is they’re in a hurry to do good, because they really care about us. For instance, inventing state-of-the art carbon capture technology! The plan is to genetically engineer 100 giant 1950s supplicant housewives and arm them with Hoover (registered trademark) Constellation vacuums, to suck up all of that naughty carbon dioxide and methane in the sky. Check out the Hoover (registered trademark) below. I really dig the retro look.

The formidable 1950s Hoover (registered trademark) Constellation. The name was the inspiration for this amazing carbon capture system technology. Scaled up to the size of Jupiter, it will easily remove all the gas in our atmosphere, as well as the bags of gas running the world! Remarkable!

You see, Mr. Jaber is not just an oil baron. He is the special climate envoy of the UAE and a founder of a multibillion-dollar state-backed company that invests in renewable energy. Special means we can trust him.

He even has the confidence of Karim Elgendy, a “fellow” on Middle East environmental issues at the London think tank, Chatham House. Mr. Elgendy says, “Mr. Jaber is a jolly good fellow, too.” Well, he didn’t really say that, I apologize, but he did say of this of the benevolent sultan, “He is a pioneer of climate action.”

Whoa. A major global oil industry polluter AND a pioneering genius of climate action. I’m just without words.

But I digress with my admiration. Let me explain what the acronym COP stands for, because here in the United States of America COP stands for the right to shoot a young black man in the back for driving a car, walking, or sleeping peacefully in bed. For our purposes here, however, COP stands for Conference of the Parties, 197 nations singing in perfect harmony, and swigging Coca-Cola (registered trademark) out of plastic bottles to solve all of our #ClimateEmergency problems. Personally, I think it’s called Conference of Parties because the drinks are free, but I am a wild-eyed, unhinged liberal, with disgusting fantasies of sitting on Greg Abbott’s lap. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal in Texas. So to prove my journalistic integrity, I would like to point out some of the great achievements of past COP conferences such as the discovery of Don, the invisible cow, secretly flown into outer space on a SpaceX rocket, piloted by the reanimated remains of Area 51 alien corpses, just six inches tall.

Oh crap, I seem to have gotten off-topic. Without further ado, some of the achievements of recent COP conferences.

COP27

• Agreed that ‘loss and damage’ to developing countries is historic and that financial assistance for climate impact on developing countries is needed, especially you know, because, “They’re like starving dude, and don’t have potable water and iPads and stuff.”

• Bickered about the 1.5° warming target.

• Sent ten inflatable dinghies to Pakistan to mitigate the flooding that submerged a third of the country in 2022, along with a heartfelt email JibJab card available in places where electricity is accessible.

COP26

• Agreed that wealthy nations need to do much more, like give those stupid poor countries $100 billion dollars a year, like promised over a decade ago, man. Wondered if an installment plan was available.

• The key discovery of Don the giant invisible cow and top secret plans to take Don out with special edition Ronald Reagan autographed Star Wars weaponry. Yes, my dogged journalism uncovered this important story in the boring battle against #ClimateChange. More importantly, who is Lauren Boober, err Boebert going out with tonight? More paid subscriptions for that info, please.

• Discussed whether reduced body heat from enough dead human beings could help cool the planet and if the bodies boosted into the stratosphere could further slow warming by deflecting planet warming solar rays back into space, AND act as fertilizer, as the bodies decompose and flake down on Earth.

COP25

• Lamented that they had forgotten to mail those $100 million checks again and tried to assign blame. All agreed Louis De Joy was the problem.

• Discovered that CO2 can be easily converted into delicious mixed vegetables for school lunches with just a modest amount of polymer injection.

• Argued about the shitty caviar, wondered if Barbie could have invented the atomic bomb (with the help of Ken), and whether Oppenheimer would have been more attractive with boobs. The latter, question, is obvious. Yes, of course.

I have to stop now, as I overcome with emotion, considering the wisdom of the hands we’re in. I’ll sleep well knowing we don’t have to go groping for answers. That’s what we have Donald Trump, Lauren Boebert and Matt Gaetz for.